Past Columns

May 24, 1999 - #86 1/2

Well, I tried, dear readers, no one can say I didn't try. Excuse me for a moment.

I was wrong. I just went outside and someone did say "I didn't try." And here I thought that no one can say I didn't try. By now you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Well, I'll tell you what I'm talking about because why should I be the only one who knows what I'm talking about? What I am talking about is the fact that I have absolutely no time to write this here column this here week. The reasons for this are simple, simple as a,b,c. You see, Mr. Mark Bakalor is leaving town on Thursday. I am leaving town on Saturday. The column is supposed to go up on Monday. Mr. Bakalor won't be back until Monday. I won't be back until Wednesday. Today is the Wednesday before the Wednesday when I will be back. Tomorrow is the Thursday after the Wednesday that it currently is and that is when Mr. Bakalor is leaving. That would give me about one hour to write an entire column and frankly after a twelve hour day I can barely keep my eyes open let alone write an entire column in one hour. I can't even write half a column in one hour. So, even though you're reading on Monday the little I wrote the previous Wednesday, when I return on Wednesday following the Monday when you are reading this, I shall write an especially long column which will go up the following Monday from the Monday when you are reading this. We won't even assign this column in miniature a number. We will call it Column 86 1/2 and it will be known as our Fellini Column (so named after his masterpiece 8 1/2 with a 6 thrown in for no reason whatsoever). If you want to hurl vile epithets (no mean feat) please hurl them at Mr. Mark Bakalor who leaves town far too much just because he has a girlfriend and they like to do things together. Furthermore (or more more), Mr. Bakalor just told me I can't write one word more because he is going to see Star Wars (Sraw Rats spelled backwards) and I have to finish now because apparently Darth Maul is more important than Darth A. And so, dear readers, I fear I must bid you adieu, which is just a fancy shmancy French way of saying "adieu". I will be thinking of you while I'm in New York and I will have my handy-dandy camera with me to take many activity photos. You will be so delighted with said photos that you won't be able to contain yourself. You will look at the photos and exclaim, "What is it, fish?". I hope you all have a wonderful week and that you will think of me often. I will, of course, be answering all your e-mails upon my return.

Send all email to me at real@sondheim.com or use the form below...

Well, this column has just flown by hasn't it? My time is up, because Mr. Bakalor must go spend time with Jar-Jar and other digital creatures, while I sit here on my couch like so much fish and ponder important life questions such as "Why must we have toenails?".

Until next week, I am, as I ever was, and ever shall be...

Yours, yours, yours, yours, yours.

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