Stephen Sondheim Stage

Okay, I just got back from Disneyland and I have a great idea for a new theme park, somewhere in New York, not too far from the big city, but far away enough that there'll be ample amounts of trees to tear down for parking lots (this is a joke, envirofriendly readers: I would never dream of executing a poor defenseless tree for the sake of commerce, which is why I've planted all my books in the ground in hopes that they will take root and grow novellas ... but I digress). I call my idea:

It's a multinational, multimedia theme park with rides and restaurants and pricey fun for the whole family! It'll be divided into four separate lands: 60'sland, 70'sland, 80'sland, and 90'sland, and each park will have various Sondheim shows as inspiration for the attractions.

The Forum: People dressed up as the Hirschfeld drawings for both versions of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum will reenact the songs and small portions of plot to all your favorite Sondheim shows.

Water From A Rock Flume: It starts off with animatronic robots enacting a parade and ends with a 10 story drop into a Cookie Jar.

Evening Primrose Diner: Your dinner is served by waiters and waitresses dressed as mannequins. (I'm not sure of the logistics on how this would work, but I figure I have time before the park opens to come up with a solution).

The Follies: A dinner vaudville show that picks one lucky guest to come up on stage and face the regrets they've carried throughout their lives.

Pacific Overtures: Ride Admiral Perry's boat to Japan as small animatronic robots sing "Welcome to Kanagawa".

A Trip Down Fleet Street: Watch out! Sweeney could be around any corner in this fast-paced thrill ride through Victorian London.

Weekend in the Country: Watch animatronic robots act like dithering fools in this wacky waltz through an Austrian country estate that also houses the theme park's management.

Isn't It Warm, Isn't It Cozy Restaurant: Every day is your birthday in this ideal meeting place for friends and lovers alike.

Into The Woods: Pretty self-explanitory, if you ask me. For the kids, cute and cuddly fairy tale creatures. For the adults, the sense of irony that develops with age.

Behind the Scenes at La Grande Jatte: Take a tour "backstage" at Sondheimville and watch the great pains Impressionist painters go through to create works of art.

Merrily We Dine Along: This restaurant on top of the tower that dominates the Sondheimville skyline revolves counterclock wise.

Shooting Gallery of Presidents: Perhaps this isn't such a good idea.

Passion for Hamburgers: Is your desire for a hamburger causing you emotional anguish? Satiate your soul at this fast food joint that offers more than just fast food.

The Haunted Psychologist's Office: Ride the red herring through the mysterious office of a murdered psychologist and try to figure out "whodunnit"?

Obviously there's room for expansion. I envision a large swimming pool in the future, maybe a gift shop, and perhaps even 50sland if I can clear the rights with Gypsy Rose Lee's estate ...

Other articles by Chris Zammarelli:
McSweeney!
Bad Company

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